Surviving Family Dinners

One full month has passed since we gathered with our families to celebrate Christmas and the New Year. In the middle of winter, we may look back fondly on those days and miss the time we spent laughing and reminiscing with the people we love and who know us best.

At the same time, not all family gatherings are pleasant. It seems as though each family has that one aunt, brother or cousin who always has to bring up politics at a party. No matter what the occasion, they have to make a point of letting everyone know what their views are. Inevitably, someone else has to chime in to let them know that they don’t agree with them. All of a sudden, the atmosphere becomes stiff and awkward. People excuse themselves from the table or decide that it is time to leave the party altogether. What should have been a festive gathering becomes uncomfortable and divisive.

When the topic turns to religion, however, the situation can become even more tense. As people of faith, it is one thing for us to bite our tongue when a politician is being criticized. However, when our Church or beliefs are being challenged, we feel the need to defend our faith. When our children are at the table, we feel an even stronger responsibility to state clearly what we believe so that they do not think that we agree with what is being said. At the same time, we do not want to offend anyone or make our family gatherings contentious.

What are we to do? Should we just bite our tongue when our faith is being mischaracterized and ridiculed? For the sake of peace, should we just try to change the subject?

Saint Peter in his first letter gives the following advice: “Always be prepared to give an answer to everyone who asks you to give the reason for the hope that you have. But do this with gentleness and respect” (1 Pt 3:16). The key is to state our beliefs with gentleness and respect. Whenever we talk about our faith, our first concern should not be to impress everyone with what we know or to prove that we are right. Rather, we want them to know Jesus who is the source of all joy. In all things we must make it clear that we are motivated by love.

 In today’s second reading, Saint Paul spells out for us in vivid detail what love looks like. His words can help us to understand what our attitude should be when we are called upon to defend our faith to our family and friends.

First of all, Saint Paul tells us that love is patient and kind. Patient and kind people listen more often than they speak. Many times family discussions become heated because everyone is talking and no one is listening. What if, instead of piping up right away with our opinion, we let others explain their position? What if we asked them questions about what they believe and why? When we do so, we are letting others know that we truly respect them and want to understand them. Then, when it is our turn to explain what we believe, they will be more open and respectful to what we have to say.

Saint Paul then tells us that love is not pompous. A loving person is not arrogant or boastful. When we speak to others about our faith, we will get nowhere if we come across as superior or as being a know-it-all. If our first concern is with showing how right we are and how wrong everyone else is, we will only being enforcing the stereotype that people of faith are “holier than thou” and hypocritical. Rather, we must always be humble when we talk about our beliefs. It must be clear to all that we are sinners just as they are and that our primary concern is with seeking the truth. When we do not know the answer to a question, we should admit it. When we do so, we let others know that we do not want to impose our beliefs on them but that we respect them even though we strongly disagree them.

Saint Paul then tells us that love is not quick-tempered. When our beliefs are being challenged and the Church we love is being criticized, it can be very difficult for us not to become angry. We can easily become frustrated when others fail to grasp the logic behind what we are saying. However, losing our temper and belittling others only offends them and closes their minds to what we have to say. It is true that sometimes discussions about religion can get heated. When that happens, we simply have to say, “Perhaps this is not the right time and place to talk about this,” and walk away. We can never fall into the trap of getting angry when we explain our faith to others because it only gives them an excuse to dismiss what we are saying.

When Jesus went to His hometown of Nazareth, the people He knew best found it hard to believe Him. We should not be surprised, then, when we fail to convince or convert our family and friends. Blessed Mother Teresa of Calcutta once said that people are convinced more by our example than by our opinion. If we can treat our family members and friends with love, gentleness and respect even when we disagree with them, then we can hope that their hearts and minds will be open for God to work within them. Then we should pray that someone else comes along who can plant the seed of faith in them. That is the loving attitude we are called to display as followers of Jesus Christ. At the end of the day, it is love that convinces, love that converts and love that reveals the face of God in Jesus Christ even to the hardest heart